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| I was talking to a friend last night and in our conversation, I mentioned that "everything happens for a reason." For some reason that phrase ran through my mind once more just now.
I think this past weekend it's finally started to sink in that I'm failing miserably at school to the point where I'll be put on probation, perhaps even booted. I've been told that probation's not so big a deal, but at the very least, this calls for a major reality check.
It's not even the fact that I spend too little time studying because academics is only one of the several areas of my life where I'm desperately struggling to hold on to. I feel like my entire list of priorities since the start of this semester has just been a jumble of nonsensical excuses and what actually matters most is buried underneath mounds of trivialities. I spend too much of my time thinking about things that shouldn't matter at this stage of life when I should be putting that precious time into something worthwhile. Not to say those things mean nothing to me, it's just that my time could be put to better use. Maybe I knew it all along, that I was drowning myself, but I repeatedly ignored the signs that were waved in my face time and time again.
As much as it hurts me to say, things have got to-- and hopefully, with God's grace, will-- change.
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| Why is it that every time I'm down, depressed, or simply in a bad mood
that I seek comfort in the Lord? Not that this is a bad thing. It's the
fact that this is the only time tha tI bother seeking him out that's
bad.
Doing devos is a commitment I have yet to maintain.
Throughout the years I've only harmed myself in not doing devos-- I've
just deprived myself of an opportunity to better my relationship with
Him and to grow in my faith. How incredibly stupid I am! My prayer now
is that I no longer rob myself of my chance to grow closer to Him and
that I will be daily reminded to do my devos.
If you are in a
similar struggle I encourage you to pick up a Bible and just read. I
also encourage you to find someone to keep you accountable because I
know [from personal experience] that recommitment is always the
hardest in the beginning.
May we strive once more--together --to discover throughout these pages the love and grace that is showered down on us.
He offers us His hand-- all we need to do is take it!
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| So. it's been a while.
It's my second week of college life and now I'm getting lots of "So how do you like it so far?" and I'm glad to say that I'm lovin' it. [No, don't give me that MickeyD's jingle, please] Yes, Rutgers is virtually my backyard, considering that East Brunswick and New Brunswick aren't exactly considered opposite ends of the world, but I just love being away from home, and from everything that is associated with it. There really isn't anything that comes as a surprise around here [ok so maybe the incredible amount of people that can fit onto one bus, but that's neither here or now] and so my adjustment to 'college life' has been smooth and seamless.
Well, then there's little annoyances here and there. Like how my AC is broken and my dorm is always 100 degrees. Or how my Ethernet port is messed up and I have zero internet access from my room. But these are easily overcome. I just don't spend any time in my dorm. I'm never there.
It's only been two weeks and I can already feel myself getting confused, tense, and frustrated with myself. I try to contain my emotions, but I can't help but slip a few terse replies or crude remarks. A vicious cycle where I try, with no avail, to guard myself, and with failure comes my flood of self-destructive thoughts.
Time and time again, I remind myself that I will never be able to change if I try to bring it about on my own. Sure, ask God for help, but also ask those around me for accountability and assurance. I know everything it takes, but that 'everything' I do not have. I have nothing.
But it's when we have nothing that God can truly work through us, right?
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| People keep asking me "So Evany, are you excited for college?"
And somehow, I never tire of answering "Yes! I can't wait to get out of my house!"
Move-in day is the 1st and yes, it's just Rutgers, my backyard, so to speak, but being away from home will be the best. Okay, so now's the time where you guys go, "even if it is Rutgers, you'll still be homesick." Lie. I'll be forced to come home once in a while. And that stinks. Booo!
Anywho, it's still an exciting thought. That's all it is right now-- a thought. Wait another couple weeks and it will be so much more than that! So I've been considering writing in a journal, but maybe I should just blog. But when I blog, I have the tendency to reiterate what I want to say over and over [I just did it] until it no longer has my original thought. Hrm. Now there's something.
What to do... ... doo doo doo-dee-doo!
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| There's this hymn by Frederick M. Lehman called The Love of God. It's a pretty old song, written in 1917, but said to be adapted from an old Jewish poem written in 1050. Not going to post the entire thing, just a little blip.
Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above
Would drain the ocean dry;
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Tho stretched from sky to sky.
I was at the beach today with some friends today and as I lay there, this particular part of Lehman's song started to run through my mind. I don't know why, but I couldn't put it out of my head. The entire afternoon, these lyrics kept replaying and I even shared it with one of my friends. With no trees to block my view of the sky, and the ocean stretching as far as I could see, I couldn't help but be in awe. And the mere idea that if that endless ocean were ink and that vast sky were paper, His love wouldn't even begin to be expressed.
O love of God how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints' and angels' song!
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